(Warning this article contains heavy Spoilers)
That’s right! You saw it coming. How could we not? This beautiful, sci-fi, action comedy has everything you could want. From witty punch lines, galactic battles, that adorably-awesome twig Baby Groot, a decent story line, a kick-ass 80’s playlist, consistent characters, and the occasional tear-jerkers. I just hate it when they peel onions in the movie theatre.
I really enjoyed this movie from start to finish. Beginning with the opening credits as Baby Groot jams to a classic 80’s favorite as he obliviously dances his way out of the line of fire. Honestly, what’s not to love about those big bulging baby twig eyes? I would love him, and squeeze him, and call him George. Moving on.
The Guardians proceed to an epic kingdom of Royal Golden A-holes. Did anyone else get the sudden urge to watch 007’s Goldfinger? The crew steals an explosive battery from the Queen and from here on-out they are pursued by her entire galactic force throughout the galaxy.
Next we get a close up of our favorite character Yondu, played by actor Michael Rooker. You gotta love that funny, southern, (although secretly heart-warming) hillbilly. He’s like Bobby from Supernatural meets Obi Wan Kenobi (the original Alec Guiness folks). Here, his troops are spurred on an expedition to capture the Guardians by the Queen Bitch herself.
The Guardians meet Ego, Quill’s dad who comes hailing from the sky like a god in an egg-shaped chariot.
Ego explains his creation, as a Celestial god-like being he thought himself into existence and became a brain whom after millions of trillions of years learned to alter his mass and manipulate his molecules into a massive, earth-shaped planet. This was mind-numbingly cool in a metaphysical “I think therefore I am” sort of way. Not to mention that the planet looks like a neat hybrid of Rivendell, Pandora, and Asgard. Yes, a slight deviation from the original comic books but I prefer this over the massive purple floating head that eerily resembles Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. And don’t worry the film totally explains how Ego knocked up Quill’s human mother. He took the form of a male humanoid from earth. That’s right. Ego has a penis.
But wait. Haven’t we heard this story before…? Oh, I’ve got it! Ego is Zeus and Quill is the half-breed Demigod, Hercules. I swear these gods can never keep it in the pants. Quill inherits his father’s abilities, but the one drawback is that his powers are limited to his father’s unique bio-planet. Sucks he doesn’t have any other remarkable powers outside of his sarcastic humor. Which let’s face it, its a gift all on it’s own.
Meanwhile, Rockett and Groot are captured by the Ravager’s, Nebula shoots Yondu in his robotic shark fin, and the good guys are all taken hostage. Pirate assholes throw beer on Baby Groot, who in turn helps Rockett and Yondu escape after various comical attempts to find his missing fin.
Mantis, an empath-bug-alien-thing tries to warn Drax that Quill’s father is a super douche.
Meanwhile the good guys sack the Ravager ship and steal a spacecraft to rescue the heroe’s on Ego’s planet.
Gamora becomes suspicious of Quill’s deadbeat dad. And her deranged, jealous sister Nebula attempts to murder her from out of literally no where. Did I miss how Nebula somehow escaped almost-certain death from the explosion on the Ravager’s ship? Maybe I was too awed by Baby Groot kicking serious space pirate ass…
The Guardians discover that Ego’s been secretly impregnating various lifeforms and sacrificing his offspring so he can gather control of the universe…I knew he was a douche.
There’s an epic battle between the good guys and Goldfinger as her entire fleet of royal flunkies arrive on Ego’s planet. Why won’t this lady just give up already? Ego and Quill fight to the death. Quill morphs into a giant Pac-Man for you 80s nerds. And finally with the help of Baby Groot, they detonate Ego, causing him to explode from the inside of his massive core balls…Okay I purposely made that sound provocative, but it’s still pretty dirty when you think about it.
Yondu saves the day and rescues Quill as his father’s planet deteriorates. In a heart-felt moment, Yondu tells Quill that Ego may have been his father but he was never his daddy. Here comes the tears. Then Yondu proceeds to ride out in a blaze of glory after sacrificing himself in outer space so his “son” Quill might survive. Another tear jerker. Damn who keeps chopping those onions?
The story concludes with a memorial service for Yondu and the universe is rightfully restored. The end credits roll. There’s a few awesome scenes in the credits worth mentioning such as Groot, now a sass-mouthing teenager infuriating Quill in that special way that only a teenager could.
Overall I loved the action, the characters, the dialogue, and the symbolism to family and fatherhood.
All around I’d rate this film: Awesomely-Orgasmic.